


his past, his present and his future

by ChristineCanigulaIsAmazingFuckYou



Category: bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo
Genre: Angst, Catholicism, Charcter study, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Introspection, Loss of Faith, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Jason's Death, Religious Guilt, am i slightly projecting onto peter here? yes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:22:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24685291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristineCanigulaIsAmazingFuckYou/pseuds/ChristineCanigulaIsAmazingFuckYou
Summary: Peter reflects on Jason's death, wishing he could do something to change anything, to bring him back.
Relationships: Jason McConnell/Peter Simmonds
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	his past, his present and his future

Peter stared down at his hands that night. He was shaking, still sobbing. He hadn’t stopped since it happened.

He was in their bedroom, on Jason’s bed. And if he held the covers close enough to himself, he could still smell him. A pattern had developed to his grief. Cry, shake, scream, cry again. Above all, he thought. He couldn’t keep his mind off everything that had happened that day. Everything that had led up to that moment. 

Why had Jason not just told him? Why did he have to go and ruin everything they had? Why had he ever been mad at Jason? Maybe there were reasons but Peter couldn’t recall any of them. It wasn’t like they mattered anymore. If he had just stayed by him, not moved in with Lucas, not forced him to that stupid, pointless play, maybe he would still have him. He would be here, in Peter’s arms, safe, not being moved to a mortician’s office, to be prepared to be buried. 

God, buried. It was meant to be their last day of senior year tomorrow. They were meant to be together now, getting drunk and laughing together because of memories of their classmates, and all the hours they had spent together and celebrating the success of the play. Instead, one of them was gone, and the other was sitting in the dark, utterly broken.

He couldn’t understand why he had ever cared about the play. That day, he had tried so hard, trying to shine out, partly because he wanted to show his mother that he was still him, and partly because he had just enjoyed it so much. He had been focused on the play, and not on Jason. Even so, he could tell something was wrong with Jason. He was usually so bright and perfect in rehearsal, yet on the stage, his heart wasn’t in it. He wandered round the stage, taking in each of his friends’ faces for the final time. He couldn’t keep his hands off Peter, because he didn’t care what anyone thought at this point. He knew he was going to die. Peter knew it was completely out of character, so why didn’t he say anything. He could have saved him. It was his fault.

Why had he not just agreed with Jason and left? They could be halfway to California at this point. Carefree, together and safe. He had wanted to. He was just angry and didn’t want to give Jason the satisfaction. He would give everything to go back to that moment. To simply say yes. One word, and everything might have been okay. 

He remembered what Jason had reminded him of just before it happened. 

All of their moments together. 

The day they met, locked eyes and for once, felt okay with himself, that he wasn’t alone. When his parents left, they each were sitting on their beds, too nervous to talk. It was Jason who spoke first. Began asking him questions, where was he from, what he liked, what was his confirmation name. Peter answered each one, and began to relax. That’s what Jason did to him. They began to talk about everything, what music and movies they liked. He found out it was Jason’s second year at St Cecilia's. He found out that Jason didn’t really like his parents, but was close with his sister. He found that he could listen to Jason forever.  
They unpacked together and then got ready to sleep. And Peter knew, even then, that he loved him.

He remembered the day the first time he had told him that. His confession. Jason had brought up some actress. He asked Peter what he thought of her, and he had no idea how to reply. Jason looked at him, knowingly. His voice dropped to barely a whisper, as he asked Peter for the truth, and he replied honestly. For a second, he thought he had lost everything. Jason just stared back at him. Then before he knew what was happening, he had grabbed him, put his lips on his, kissing him. Peter kissed back, hard. Jason pulled back, for just long enough for Peter to utter an ‘i love you’, before Jason’s lips were back on his, his arms encircling his entire body, protecting him.

Why was he not back there, in that moment? Why did he have to be here, with a sinking heart and tears dripping down his face?

All the choices he made in these last few months, he had so many chances to save Jason.

He should never have told Matt anything. He knew he should feel angry towards him, but what was the point? Hating Matt would never bring Jason back and besides, he had seemed genuinely sorry. All Peter felt was hollow, like all the happiness had been ripped out of him the second Jason fell and would never return to fill him up once again.

He hoped Nadia was okay. She had left with their parents, in the same state Peter was in now. Her mother and father were completely emotionless. It was like they didn’t know, or didn’t even care. Peter had wanted to run up to them, to tell them of their son, how much he loved how much he cared. How his love was the only thing that kept Peter going. 

He wanted to yell at them how their son was the best person he would ever know.

That was the truth, after all. He knew no one’s love would ever feel the same to him the way Jason’s did. He was the first person ever to see him. To love him for him. And maybe one day, he could learn to fall in love again, with a different man. But Peter would know he could lose him as easily as he lost Jason, so he shouldn’t ever open up his heart again as much as he had before.

Peter's sobs became less frequent as he ran out of any hydration in his body. He had been crying continuously for sixish hours. He didn’t know what time it was anyway. He was still going through the motions though. Hunched over, shaking. He was lightheaded and nauseous and hadn’t noticed. His only thoughts were of Jason, his Jason, his boy. 

How was he supposed to move on?  
After his talk with father, he knew he could no longer be the devout catholic he wished to be. Nothing but his and Jason’s love for each other had brought him closer to God, and that had been untimely ripped away by his religion and a priest that would rather force everyone to conform than save a child's life. The church had failed him. Or maybe he had failed the church. What was the difference anyway?

Nothing mattered. Nothing mattered to him now Jason was gone. His mother than tried to take him home after, in her words, ‘what happened to that boy’. He couldn’t go. Instead, he went to the room that was no longer his, no longer anyone’s. And wept. For losing everything. His past, his present and his future. That was the simple truth.

Peter had lost.

**Author's Note:**

> basically i just rewatched bare, and i have just, so much sadness. i think anyone watching it just wants to save jason, because they see how it can been done, and why everything happened. i wish i could. pretty sure nothing here is coherent but ehh who cares. my writing is either incoherent or super pretentious, and i don't know which is worse  
> my tumblr is @archiveamelie :D


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